How might we carry our grief through the Festive Season?

The word festive means celebratory, cheerful and joyful…but what if you aren’t?

What if you mostly feel very sad and desolated by the death of someone close to you?

Maybe other powerful emotions such as guilt, fear, anger and confusion are around too.

If you are grieving, you may already feel apprehensive about navigating the additional social demands this time of year can bring. Like birthdays and other anniversaries, it’s a time that often evokes many poignant memories.

The heightened energy can seem to emphasise the empty space left by the death of someone dear. Cheery Christmas songs playing in every shop might leave you feeling alone and lonely with your experience.

Each time someone we love dies, we have a different experience of grief. It is unique to each person and the relationship they had with their loved one. There is no panacea, even if grief was something that could be cured or fixed.

If you are a Christian, then you may find solace in the deeper meaning of the Christmas festival. Yet a wavering of faith is not unusual following a bereavement, when we can be thrown into questioning the meaning of life.

Holding our grief as gently as we can, to move with respect for our tenderness, and steadily lean into life as well as we can, is perhaps the very best we can do.

I do not know where you are in your grief, what blend of emotions are there for you or if your bereavement happened yesterday or decades ago…and time is strange, its passage does not necessarily ease the intensity of our feelings.

I remember my grandfather as an old man breaking down in tears as he recalled witnessing the death of his friend during the Second World War…many years had passed but the rawness was still there.

Equally, sometimes it feels like there are no feelings at all, just a numbness.

The following thoughts are then tentative offerings. If they resonate with you in some way which feels helpful, then may they serve you well.

If not, then let them be.

My hope for you is that support and comfort are nearby.

Grief is a normal response to the death of a loved one.

Our culture doesn’t do pain very well. It’s often viewed as something to be got rid of as soon as possible so that we can get back to normal. Whilst this may be appropriate for physical pain, grief is quite different.

It is not a symptom to be cured. It is a process of integration through which we move towards a new place of equilibrium or stability.

Following a death, the ‘normal’ that we once knew is gone and we cannot go back.

Through grieving, we can honour all that has gone before and begin creating a different yet still meaningful path through life. There is no timeline for this process, your grief will follow its own pattern. There are no stages to successfully navigate and complete, although over time you might notice recurring themes and internal shifts on different levels of your experience.

A friend once said to me “move at the speed of trust”.

It’s OK to be just as you are, however that is.

Connecting with the energy of Winter.

Winter; it’s colder, darker and seemingly barren as the last of the leaves fall and the flora and fauna fade into the stillness.

And yet this calmness and hush can be helpful if everything around you has been thrown into chaos, when grief feels like a maelstrom of emotions.

Stillness can be a place of retreat.

If you feel you have social or family commitments you must attend, gift yourself some quiet time before and afterwards to help you fulfil your own needs too.

Mary Oliver says in her poem Wild Geese ‘let the soft animal of your body love what it loves’…

Allow yourself that which nurtures you…a morning curled up with a weighted blanket and a book, pottering in the garden, a warm bath in the middle of the afternoon followed by a nap…time to be creative in some way, to make something, to write or draw, to cook for yourself (or order some food in for a change!)…let yourself rest.

 If your grief feels wild, fierce or raging you might want some movement…your version of a brisk winter walk with an awareness of the underlying stillness of Winter can be both cathartic and grounding.

Nature can hold and absorb all that force of grief without you having to explain any of it.

Allowing your body the freedom to move with and express these powerful emotions can be surprisingly helpful; follow what feels right for you…often a quietness is waiting at the other end.

 If you feel heartbroken, a supported version of child’s pose can feel comforting and restorative. This yoga pose is a forward bend, which helps to ‘close’ the heart space and enable the possibility of some respite. When life has cracked us wide open, it’s useful to have some responses.

Kneel on a blanket on the floor and use a chair, bean bag or pile of blankets and cushions to lean forward onto, resting your head on your hands…this does not need to be a deep stretch, rather a position that you feel you can relax into, where you feel supported and held, so adjust the height of your cushions according to your bodies need.

This can also be done from sitting in a chair, leaning forward onto cushions on a table.

Make sure you are warm enough…a blanket across your back can feel reassuring. If it feels OK, bring attention to your out breath, very gently letting it become slower and longer…stay as long as feels right for you.

Goodwill to All; a turning outwards…

Although Winter energy is predominantly an inward contraction, if you look closely, you can see the beginnings of next year’s buds on trees…

It can be helpful too, in the midst of our grief, to gently turn outwards.

Having some time where we shift the focus from ourselves to helping others can bring meaning and purpose as well as some relief from our internal experiences.

This doesn’t have to involve being with lots of people or busy environments, although this might be what you feel you need.

It could also be as simple as feeding the birds in your garden or local park. As subtle as saying words of gratitude to the unknown people who grew and delivered the food you eat.

These types of activities not only help connect us to the wider world and our present moment experience, they can also be a symbolic connection to our loved one.

Finding an activity which reflects something of their interests or passion can make manifest their legacy.

A note of caution if you already have a job or responsibilities that involve lots of giving and you feel frazzled. It’s OK to have boundaries and it is not selfish to prioritise your own needs. It is an act of generosity to yourself and others to practice self-care. By nourishing yourself you are also more able to be present for those who rely on you in some way.

Perhaps go back to the suggestions in Connecting with winter Energy if they are helpful, allowing your lifeforce to rest quietly when you can.  

Finding ways to acknowledge and honour our grief enables us to weave our loss into the wider story of our life and find its place within the wholeness of who we are. 

Just as the seasons turn, so do our lives, and perhaps paradoxically, grief can also be a pathway to experiencing joy again…   

With kindest wishes, Sara.